Truth, lies and everything between

I think it’s about time I finally explained what really happened with the contest. Everyone here deserves to know the truth. During the time I came up with the idea for the contest, I had already signed a contract for a job that I would be working at during that sommar. The contract fell through on their end and I lost that job. Obviously this meant that I couldn't pay for the shipping of the packages...or anything. The job itself, I can’t go into specifics. The non-disclosure agreement is still in effect but what I can tell you; it was a state-level marketing position. As a condition for my signature, I was locked in for six months. During that time, I was not allowed to seek out any other employment as it would breach the terms I agreed to. (A standard policy, at the time.) That was six months with no additional funds coming into my residence beyond what my mother earned while substitute teaching. I didn’t plan to lose that job. I only found out while at the post office gathering shipping information for each prize pack.


I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say either. I just wanted to make everyone happy...but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Time went by and I would go to interview after interview but nothing ever took. I even sold things that belong to me. It wasn’t enough, no matter what I did. I was on here almost every single day. Joining in conversations, making threads about different things and doing stuff. To most, it looked like I was ignoring members who were waiting for some sort of update, some sort of response. That was far from the truth...but I knew it didn’t look good. I would update the main thread that I was in a bad situation with money but that made it worse in other ways. It put pressure on me and instilled doubt into others, that I didn’t know what I was doing. After a while, I let days roll on because I had no choice. I had no answer. No proper solution. The worst of it came when people started writing to the administration wanting answers or some action taken. Suyo, MikuHatsune and others, they had no part in my contest beyond allowing it to be hosted here. The responsibility to ensure that things went right was all on me. I understood that my decisions reflected back on the forum and the staff itself. Yes, I was here constantly but what nobody understood, (and I wouldn’t say) I was hurting on the inside. I had Almeria, she kept me together through many of my days. She always did...but sometimes, she wasn’t enough. Things were not going well at home either.


I live with my mother. She is the only family I have and we shared responsibilities together. Almost everything is paid from both of our combined efforts and it’s been that way since I first could got a job. I wasn’t worried about that six months because I knew my pay would keep us good. When that didn’t happen, we ran into a lot of issues. Mainly, the late payments on the mortgage. She does get her pension each month, but most, if not all of it is absorbed with bills. She was an educator for a long time, teaching second grade. Anyone could tell you that her money can’t spread out too far in a course of a month. As for her subbing? Well that pays about as much as you can imagine too. Enough for food and gas, that’s about it. Even then, not always. The truth of the matter is that I had to ask her for help with the contest. That conversation didn’t go over too well, but at the same time she knew there wasn’t any other option. I still kept trying to do whatever I could on my end and saved every last dollar I earned. On the inside; I was deeply depressed and sad each day. Coming here, that at least offered me some kind of escape.


I appear confident but the truth is that I’m a very insecure person. So many times I wished I had done anything else that day, my birthday; how much better it would have been for everyone if I had not found this forum or played that game. If I had continued to live on alone and forgot about ever wanting human contact. I never belonged here but I’ve appreciated that you all accepted me. This place, the time I’ve been here and the memories I have. It all meant something to me, even if I never said it out loud. It’s because of this place that I met the one person who means, meant more to me than anyone in this world, more than my own life. I truly am sorry for all the pain, the hate, the sadness I caused back then. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to make everybody happy. The complication arose from the costs of shipping to people outside my country; the main prize in particular. I had sent Almeria something before, so the process wasn’t unfamiliar. At the same time, things that wouldn’t normally seem that expensive were. It was almost around $700 for everything to be sent to everyone. Our post did include tracking for free so at least I could see if the packs made it to their destinations and in the end, we know what happened. The contest finally ended.


The irony now, when I think about it; none of my past efforts really mattered in the long run. I was homeless last month. I lived out of my car, sleeping in plaza lots, eating nothing for days (though I'm fat, so it doesn't matter.) My only friend seemed to be the police officer who would knock on my window when daylight came to have me leave the lot just before the time ran out to avoid it being towed. My mother stayed with a colleague she knew from work. I did finally manage to get a job at a store I worked at years ago. It’s only for minimum wage and I started out as part-time but just this past Friday, I was finally able to pay the lien on my house. There’s no heat, no power or running water but at least I’m back home. Anyway, in that time I’ve been doing nothing but reflecting on every single thing in my mind. That’s what made me finally write out all of this. I haven’t done a lot right in my life, especially in the past year. I’ve kept things to myself, hurt the people I've cared about deeply and now I’m back to where I started. Where it all began, alone. Living out a hollow existence once more. I can’t change the past but I want to at least try to make amends here.


I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Half the time I think it would be better to just go away, disappear. Other times; I think I’m being a coward for thinking that. Sorry, nobody cares about how I feel on the inside. As for here, I don’t want to say farewell but I’m not going to lie; I have no clue what my future is, in the forum. I don’t know if I’m still wanted or if people still hate me. I have almost nothing to contribute either. I haven’t been happy with my life or myself in a long time, so it’s hard to think about trying to express anything that anyone would want to see on here. I’ll figure something out eventually, I always do. For now though, I need to keep working on myself as a person because there is a lot that is wrong with me that I don’t understand. A lot more that I’m confused about on the personal side too.